• Shela

When I Still Loved You

Updated: Feb 24

Around the start of this month, one week before my mom passed away, my boyfriend of one year confessed that he cheated on me over a video call at 2 am. I loved him deeply and I was hurt but our relationship was rocky from the start and deep inside I always knew that I deserved someone better. Although we connected on so many levels, we were in severely different places in our lives. I knew who I was, what I wanted in life, and have learned how to love myself unconditionally. He was still searching for himself, had many repressed trauma he was unwilling to unpack, and couldn't be there for himself.


I think women often blame themselves or feel like they are less when their partners cheat on them. I didn't feel that way. I knew that I was a great partner who always went out of my way to help him and make him happy. The issues were with him. No matter how much I loved and cared about him, it didn't matter because he didn't love himself. I just kept holding on to our relationship despite the red flags because I saw so much potential in him and I wanted to help him fulfill them. I think things happen for a reason and this was the universe's way of saying, "Hey girl, you deserve so much better and are better off without him!"


When I still loved you


When I still loved you

I smile every time I think of you

You look at me with your beautiful brown eyes

Like I’m made of magic and miracles


You told me that I was the most

Valuable person in your life

Because I listened to you without judgment or assumption

And only offered you warmth and understanding


Neither distance nor time

Could waiver my love for you

Because deep in my heart

I knew our love was true


Until

The day

You betrayed me


Now every time I close my eyes

And think of you

I can only picture you in bed with another woman

Who doesn’t even love you as I do


Now I’ve come to realize that

You are a selfish fool

Who only loved me when it served you

Undeserving of my heart

Undeserving of my time

Undeserving of me


But I am a warrior

Your betrayal doesn’t lessen me

Darling, I never needed you

You knew that from the start

I am strong and poised, at peace with myself

I dance to the beat of my heart


I remember the last time I left

You called me in the middle of the night

Crying

You said that you didn’t want to live

A life without me

How naive was I to forgive you

And give you another chance?


I don’t hold any hatred or resentment

In my heart for you

Nor have I forgiven or forgotten what you did

What I have are disgust and disappointment

For all your lies and sins


I am taking all the love I had for you

Wrapping it in ribbons

And gifting it to myself

I choose to move on with peace and clarity

And to you, I bid adieu

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