Feeding My Soul with Bananas
Updated: Jul 22, 2020
It’s been 7 days since my mom passed away. I think it’s enough time for the loss to truly sink in. I miss her so much. My soul yearns for her presence. My heart yearns for hers.
I dreamed about her last night. I was holding a monkey on my arm and my mom scolded me for not taking good care of him. She said I should feed him more bananas. Maybe it’s just some random, silly dream but I’d like to think that it was my mom scolding me because I haven’t been taking good care of myself since she passed and she wanted to remind me to feed my soul more with the things that make it full. Bananas happen to be my favorite fruit.
Losing a parent is so difficult. It feels like I lost a chunk of myself. I keep thinking about how unfair it is that she was taken way too early from us, she was only 46 years young. And at 24, I feel like I am too young to lose my mother. She wouldn’t be there for my wedding. She wouldn’t be there when I give birth to my own children and my future children will never get to know their grandmother. But in truth, there is no set timespan to a person’s life, there is no predicting when life will end so I have to just accept it. Death and loss is a part of life because without it then there is no birth, no new starts and beginnings.
There are so many different ways to deal with loss, some are healthy and some are not. I think it’s important to cry when you need to cry. It is healthy to cry and I’ve done plenty of crying the past fews days. I cried when I saw pictures of us, remembering the fun memories we had on the days we took those pictures. I cried when I heard the song “Mother How Are You Today” because she used to sing that to me a lot when I was a child. I cried when I saw her favorite tea in the supermarket because I thought about how truly jubilant she looked when she was drinking them. I cried when I wrote this.
Writing about all the thoughts in my head also helps. I like to write out my feelings since I first learned to write. I think it’s healing to just let the words out on paper and to read your own words again when you need solace. My therapist once told me that if you keep the thoughts that bother you locked up in your head, it will just get the louder and louder in your head. I guess I’m just trying to avoid that.
My mom was a writer too. She kept a diary her whole life and wrote every day in it until the chemo side effects made it too difficult for her to write anymore. I found a note in her office the last time I was home slipped in between random pieces of paper. At first I didn’t know whose handwriting it was because it was scribbly and my mom always had a very neat handwriting. It read “Dear God, it hurts so much for my hand to write now. I could feel it slowly becoming numb. Please don’t take my hand from me.” It broke my heart and I weeped for her so much that night.
My family held a prayer circle to remember her 7 days after her passing. Everyone there asked when I’m coming home. Honestly, I don’t know if I want to go back to a home without my mom. Is it even home without my mom in it?
Maybe I’m just overthinking things. Maybe all I can really do is just try to honor her memories, follow her advice and feed my soul with bananas.
Thanks for reading my thoughts and ramblings. I just need to share the things going in my head. A lot of people have reached out to me about their own stories of loss and the connection I felt reading their stories regarding this shared human experience made my heart felt a little ligther. Please always free to reach out.
Sending you lots of love and healing,